Messing with Marriage – Jerk Journals

Forgiveness doesn’t journal Alice sped into my (Rich’s) office carrying a Starbuck’s and a notebook. After exchanging pleasantries, I asked how I could help. She opened a journal in which she had documented, in great detail, her husband’s faults. After twenty minutes, I interrupted. “Alice, why are you here?” “I want to solve the problems in my marriage,” she said, surprised. “Will you talk to Sam for me?” “Probably later, but the first step doesn’t involve him.” “Doesn’t involve him? Pastor, you haven’t heard a word I’ve been saying … he’s the problem!” “Alice, right now, you are the problem.” Over the next hour, we talked about forgiveness. Yes, Sam was a jerk and, yes, he needed to change, but there was little hope without her willingness to forgive. The “jerk journals” documented his sins—and hers. Forgiveness – the unfair act of letting go The Bible commands forgiveness. The Apostle Paul wrote to the church of Ephesus, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). It’s hard to imagine anyone forgiving the way Christ forgave without having experienced God’s forgiveness in Christ. When we accept this forgiveness, understanding how much we did not deserve it, we begin to understand how to forgive others. We understand that forgiveness is not based on being worthy. Forgiveness is up to us Like so many of us, Alice was waiting for her husband to change before she forgave him. Forgiveness was not about him, however; it was about her. It is a mistake to think that forgiveness is based on the other person confessing with every nonverbal indication of deep remorse. It is a mistake to think that forgiveness is based on the other person suffering “enough.” Forgiveness is not about the offender. It’s about the person wronged. Alice never forgave, and her unwillingness led to a bitterness that blasted a cold chill through any warmth Sam tried to kindle. Their marriage lasted until the last child left for college. Alice filed for divorce and moved to another state. One of the reasons Alice never forgave her husband is because forgiveness is not natural to us. It seems so unfair. Forgiveness is not a pardon Forgiveness doesn’t erase the debt we owe. We might forgive a criminal, but that doesn’t mean a judge will take away the consequences. Forgiveness frees us to live in peace while it places the offender in the hands of a sovereign God. Forgiveness is not forgetting I (Marty) met with a husband who discovered that his wife was bulimic. He uncovered the problem by keeping a record of her excuses for missing meals, for calling in sick to work, for her reoccurring irritableness, as well as unusual (binge-type) food purchases on her credit statements. By piecing together these events, he was able to identify a pattern that led him to the possibility that his wife was struggling with an eating disorder. The records he kept are gone now, but if each time he forgave her he had completely forgotten about the offense, he might have missed helping her. Although we may forget an offense, forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is letting God act One of the unique characteristics of Christianity is the belief that God is in control. We believe that he sees everything and doesn’t miss the bad things that others do to us. Because we believe this, we are able to move away from revenge. Christians are cautioned not to “get even” as the world might. The Bible teaches that revenge is not an option. God will right all the wrongs. Trust him to do it. God sees the heart and motives, and his justice is always fair. One of the reasons we can forgive is because we have faith that God is a better judge than we could ever be. Forgiveness frees us We will never be able to find compassion and kindness in our hearts towards those who have wronged us until we let the grievance go. Once we let it go, a burden is lifted and we begin to experience life again. One of the reasons Alice had stopped living was because she was tethered by the burden of years of abuse. The abuse had become an anchor holding her fast in the breakwater of bitterness. If she would have forgiven her husband, she would have experienced the freedom to love again. Even if her marriage eventually wrecked, she could have experienced some degree of respite and vibrancy. Forgiveness is the scent the rose leaves on the heel that crushes it.” ~ John Arnott Forgiving is not the same as trusting If a person borrows your car and has an accident which destroys the car, you can forgive him. The next time he asks to borrow the car, because you have forgiven him, you can still hand him the keys. If he has another accident, you can forgive him, but you probably will not give him the keys the next time he asks. Although he’s been forgiven, you no longer trust him. The first crash was an incident. The second was the beginning of a pattern. Once the pattern surfaced, your trust disappeared. Forgiveness is free. Trust is earned. If you are experiencing forgiveness issues in a relationship, let us suggest some action points. Don’t ignore the red flags If you asked Beth what she would have done differently in her relationship with Gene, she probably would have said, “I wouldn’t ignore all the clues about Gene’s unfaithfulness.” I (Rich) have a theory that says that if you ignore the red flags, they become banners. Don’t react, respond Beth could have reacted and divorced Gene immediately. Fortunately, she didn’t. She thought it through and asked him to move out instead. Had she not responded, Gene would have been tempted to continue to play his games (and with his track record, he probably would have yielded to temptation again). Reacting creates wounds that make resolution even more difficult. Don’t react (unless someone’s safety is at stake). Unpack the bag Some people carry the baggage of resentment and bitterness so long, they can’t unpack it. They’re miserable. There is only one solution: We forgive and forgive until we unpack the bag. Name it You can’t forgive something you can’t identify. It may be painful to admit how your trust was damaged, but you have to name it to forgive it. After Christmas, I (Marty) met with a young husband who, for three years, would not name the offense that affected his relationship with his wife. This January, when he named it (FYI “flirtation”) he was startled to discover a deep insecurity his wife had carried for the same number of years. As he named and forgave the offense, he began to work on her insecurity (romantic gifts, walks, dinners and talks). Today, the flirtation is gone – unless you count her actions toward him! Admit your part Many spouses of alcoholics admit later that they enabled the drinking. What is your part in the damaged trust? Give it to God An authentic plea will bring God’s assistance and power. Those prayers followed by obedience – by, in this case, forgiveness – bring His special blessing. Throw it away I (Rich) ask people to write the offense down and throw it in the garbage can. “Now it’s gone,” I explain. “Stay out of the garbage.” (Of course, if your Jerk Journal is already written out like Alice’s, you should trash it, too.) Trade in your thoughts The Apostle Paul told the church in Philippi to think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable (Philippians 4:8). Trade your bitterness and any negative thoughts for these thoughts. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~ Paul Boese Because Jerk Journals are the easiest books to write (and we’re all equipped to write them), understanding and sharing forgiveness are essential for a successful marriage.

Total Lunar Eclipse 2011: Moon to turn blood red for 100 minutes today

The world will witness the longest total lunar eclipse today since 2000. Totality, the event where Earth’s shadow completely covers the moon, will last for about an hour and 41 minutes. The dramatic event will see the moon changing colours and turning blood red. Viewers outside of North America will be able to see the lunar eclipse, while the Europeans will miss the early stages of the event. What is a lunar eclipse? A lunar eclipse occurs when Earth lines up directly between the sun and the moon, blocking the sun's rays and casting a shadow on the moon. As the moon moves deeper and deeper into Earth's shadow, the moon changes colour before your very eyes, turning from gray to an orange or deep shade of red. Why does the moon turn blood red? The moon takes on this new colour because indirect sunlight is still able to pass through Earth's atmosphere and cast a glow on the moon. Our atmosphere filters out most of the blue coloured light, leaving the red and orange hues that we see during a lunar eclipse. Extra particles in the atmosphere, from say a recent volcanic eruption, will cause the moon to appear a darker shade of red. Can the lunar eclipse be seen directly with naked eyes? Unlike solar eclipses, lunar eclipses are perfectly safe to view without any special glasses or equipment.

藉口 No Excuse

大家早！ 記得網路上有個「上班遲到最爛的藉口」調査，排行第一的是「塞車」。塞車是現代社會的大問題，毎個人都會曾遇上，這是能理解的；但每天同樣的要上班，自己應了解塞車的地段與時間，自己應該要避開或要提早出門。所以這樣的藉口，大家都覺得不算理由。其他如以「家族的某某往生了」作為請假藉口的也多；可憐的親戚，自己是怎麼死的都不知道…… 為了逃避被責怪，我想大家都各有千百個美麗的藉口；但與其要花３倍的頭腦、時間去掩飾錯誤，不如一句「對不起」承認自己的不是，對方反而容易接受。平常若是您遲到後，您是怎麼處理的呢？ 祝福大家的親戚都能安享天年。 　　　　佛光山本栖寺滿潤法師 藉口 「嚴以律人，寬以待己」，這是很多人的通病，因此每當見到別人犯錯時，總是聲色俱厲的指責對方不是，而當自己有了過失，卻往往找來很多藉口搪塞、脫罪。 藉口通常用於為自己的過錯或不當行為辯解，例如自己無法兌現諾言時，就說是時間不夠，或是因緣不具。有時候客人來訪，自己不想和他見面，就以生病或是謊稱外出為藉口，拒不見面。 1937年日本發動蘆溝橋事變，藉口走失一位日本兵，要到中國的營房檢查，被中國軍隊拒絕，因此掀起中日戰爭；三國時期，孫權藉口招劉備為妹婿，希望趁機討回荊州，但最後孫權的計謀未能得逞，不但賠了夫人又折兵。 藉口就是找個理由為自己的行為卸責、脫罪，但是能否成功，就看個人的本領了。至於人經常為那些原因找藉口呢？ 一、掩飾錯誤，要找藉口：家裡請客，先生交代要用上好的菜餚待客，但是太太忘記了日期，事前沒有採買備辦，只有藉口說：今天市場沒有賣菜，只好在冰箱裡找些備用的菜色來將就了。用這種理由，既可掩飾自己待客不周的失禮，又能為自己的錯誤找到台階下。 二、消除尷尬，要找藉口：出席會議遲到了，覺得不好意思，只得找個藉口說「路上交通堵塞」，意即遲到並非我不守時，而是交通問題所造成，是不得已的事。在朋友聚會的場合，不期然遇到了一個已經交惡的朋友，為免尷尬，只有藉口臨時有事，匆匆離去。 三、自我原諒，要找藉口：年輕人立志要發憤讀書，發願要好好做一番大事，但是讀書時不想讀，做事時不想做，還說：今天天氣太熱了，等到明天涼快一些再說。本來今天要到三十里外去拜訪一位客戶，但是懶得走路，就說：今天所穿的鞋子不適合長途跋涉，等明天換一雙鞋子再去。人總是為自己找藉口，今天不能，還有明天，此時不能，還有其他時候，藉口多了，很多事就難以成辦。 四、緩和氣氛，要找藉口：大家正興高采烈的在談話，忽然碰觸到敏感的政治話題，眼看著政黨立場不同的朋友即將翻臉，這時旁邊機警的人趕快改變話題，或是乾脆藉口今天有事，聚會到此結束，改日擇期再聚，藉以緩和緊繃的氣氛。 五、製造事端，要找藉口：鄰居相處失和，一直想找個機會表達自己的不滿，這時就得找個藉口，譬如說：你家的污水經常流到我家的水溝來、你家的樹葉經常飛落到我家的庭院裡、你家的孩子打我家的狗、我家的雞在你家下蛋……等等。如此不一而足的藉口，大興問罪之師，焉能不起糾紛。 一般人找藉口都是為自己的錯誤辯解，這樣的藉口只會害了自己，還是少用為好。但是有的父母希望兒女用功讀書，努力上進，也會機巧的利用種種藉口，給予鼓勵。例如告訴兒女：只要你考取托福留學，這個暑假就讓你出國旅遊。或說，只要你把菸酒的壞習慣戒掉，就准許你與要好的同學交往。父母能如此善巧的引導兒女，這就是「藉口」的妙用。 作者：佛光山　星雲大師

微波加熱後溶量更高 PVC保鮮膜更毒

民眾怕黑心起雲劑吃下肚，但學者研究發現，以PVC（聚氯乙烯）保鮮膜包覆油脂食物，所溶出的DEHP塑化劑，遠高于歐盟每人每日容忍攝取量，且微波加熱后的溶出量更高，民眾少用為宜。 　一般人以為，以塑膠容器盛裝食物，只要不加熱、不裝熱食，就不會溶出塑化劑，殊不知此觀念錯誤。只要盛裝含油脂食物，無論哪一種塑膠材質，都會溶出塑化劑。 　台灣陽明大學環境與職業衛生研究所教授陳美蓮，週日發表去年11月完成的調查，發現台灣人使用塑膠容器、包裝時，接觸食物的情形相當普遍。 　她的研究團隊以PVC保鮮膜包覆油脂食物，在攝氏25度常溫下，DEHP平均溶出量為每公斤食物1.98毫克；至于PE（聚乙烯）塑膠袋或保鮮膜，溶出量僅0.05毫克；PET（聚對苯二甲酸乙二醇酯）容器為0.06毫克。 　PVC保鮮膜的溶出量，幾乎是PE材質的40倍。 　陳美蓮以體重60公斤的成人為例，每天吃3公斤用PVC保鮮膜包覆的油脂食物，DEHP攝取量達5.94毫克，遠超過歐盟每人每日容忍攝取量3毫克的標準。

Lovin' Mid Month Special BUY 1 FREE 1 ala carte medium French Fries Coupon.

Don't miss out on this mid month special promotion. Get yours tomorrow! Offer available on 14 & 15 June 2011 only. One redemption per customer per transaction. Available at participating McDonald's restaurants throughout Malaysia from 11am - 12 midnight while stocks last. Hurry, click here to print your coupon : http://www.mymcd.com.my/coupon/June/fries.jpg

4 Surprising Fat-Burning Foods

When it comes to burning fat, not all foods are created equally. We all know we should eat more vegetables, cut back on sugar, avoid fast food, among other dietary changes to lose weight. But simply adding the following surprising fat-burners to your diet may also help speed your weight loss. Proven to speed fat loss, they are an excellent addition to a healthy weight loss program. Of course, if you suffer from any medical condition or allergy you should consult with your doctor or a nutritionist before making any dietary changes. The four surprising fat-burning foods include: 1. Nuts: According to Harvard research, eating 3 ounces of nuts daily helps people lose one inch of fat from their waist per month. The scientists at Harvard also found that people who eat 3 ounces of nuts daily were more likely to keep the fat off. Of course you should avoid salted nuts. Choose raw nuts that are kept refrigerated to prevent the healthy fats they contain from going rancid. 2. Fish and Seafood: Recent research shows that when you eat fish or seafood, you’ll stay full for two hours longer than you normally would. Fish and seafood increase the body’s production of a hormone called leptin that shuts down hunger pangs between meals. 3. Avocado: Loaded with healthy Omega 9 fatty acids, the same fats found in olive oil, olives, and macadamia nuts, avocado’s Omega 9s speed the conversion of fat into energy and boost the rate of metabolism. 4. Coconut: Coconut is rich with medium chain triglycerides (MCFAs) which increase the liver’s rate of metabolism by up to 30%, according to some experts. They also help keep you full so you’re less likely to snack on junk food. Coconut oil frequently aids the functioning of the thyroid gland. Coconut oil, coconut milk (not the low fat variety), coconut flour, and shredded (unsweetened) coconut all contain this important fat.

爱睡懒觉的人

爱睡懒觉的人―――不会随便爱上一个人。 爱睡懒觉的人―――很专一又很滥情。一旦真正喜欢上一个人就会很致命，一直把你牢记在心。 爱睡懒觉的人―――很容易被感动。 爱睡懒觉的人―――很敏感，看似什么都不计较、不细心，其实是在包容你，所以会装作什么都不知道。 爱睡懒觉的人―――很正义，讨厌虚伪、谎言，讨厌欺骗。 爱睡懒觉的人———为了让别人好过，喜欢用谎言但绝对没有心眼不图你什么东西，是善意的 爱睡懒觉的人―――吃软不吃硬，要知道爱睡懒觉的人脾气很硬，不会允许别人的不信任和挑战。 爱睡懒觉的人―――很重感情，只要是真心认定的朋友，都会真心对待。 爱睡懒觉的人―――很浪漫，最讨厌软弱拖拉的人，更讨厌自以为是的人。 爱睡懒觉的人―――不习惯主动和别人套近乎。 爱睡懒觉的人―――决定要做的事，就会坚持到底。 爱睡懒觉的人―――可以看着喜欢的人转身离开，望着他的背影泪流满面，却不敢开口挽留。 爱睡懒觉的人―――很开朗，不开心的时候会故意隐藏自己，总是想把自己装的更独立更坚强。 爱睡懒觉的人―――其实没那么重的生理洁癖，只是精神洁癖更严重。 爱睡懒觉的人―――表面坚强，嘴巴硬，其实内心很容易受到伤害。 爱睡懒觉的人―――总是很任性和小孩子气的固执，即使是错，下次还是固执。 爱睡懒觉的人―――很胆小又害怕失败，但表现出来的都是强悍的一面。 爱睡懒觉的人―――生气的小事很快就会忘记，不记仇。 爱睡懒觉的人―――别人对自己的好会铭记于心，有恩必报。 爱睡懒觉的人―――不善表达自己的情感，所以常常用沉默取代表达。 爱睡懒觉的人―――最不能接受朋友的不信任、出卖和背叛。 爱睡懒觉的人―――现在的生活很迷茫，找不到出口，但对未来坚定而充满希望。

Preparing For Marriage

For a number of years, I have wanted to write a book on preparation for marriage. I really believe that if we can help couples prepare for marriage, then they can be more successful. Let's face it most people spend far more time preparing for their vocation than preparing for their marriage. Perhaps that's why they are more successful in their vocations than in their marriages. Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married is my attempt to help couples get ready for marriage. I looked back on my own life and asked, "What do I know now that I wish I had known then?" I think if someone had told me these things, my marriage would have been much easier. I hope you'll learn from my mistakes. Euphoric Feelings Would it surprise you if I told you that "being in-love is not an adequate foundation for marriage?" It is highly possible to 'fall in love' with someone you should not marry. Many couples believe that if they are 'in love' then they will always be 'in love'. The reality is that the 'in love euphoria' last for an average of two years. That's why many couples stop dating after two years. They have lost the feelings so why keep dating. In fact, they may have much in common, and be very suited for each other, but because they believe that they must retain those 'in love' feelings they give up on the relationship. Parental Patterns Have you ever heard this saying, "Like Mother like daughter." and "Like Father like son?" There's some truth is both of those statements. We are greatly influenced by our moms and dads. If you are seriously dating someone, I encourage you to spend time with his or her parents. What you see in his dad is likely what you will see in him ten years from now. Does that mean we are destined to be like our parents? No, but it does mean that if we want to be different, now is the time to work on it. Let's identify the strengths and weaknesses of our parents before we get married and then ask: What do I want to change? And, what steps can I take to make sure I don't duplicate the things I dislike? Disagreements One of the things I wish I'd known is how to solve disagreements without arguing. Karolyn and I had no plan for handling conflicts. So, we spent a lot of time arguing. Arguments always lead down hill. Conflicts are not a sign you have married the wrong person. They simply affirm that you are human. The key to solving disagreements is to become an empathetic listener. Try to see the world through the other person's eyes. Respect their thoughts and feelings even if you don't agree. "I think I can understand what you are saying, and it makes a lot of sense." Now, you are not an enemy but a friend who understands. Now you can look for a solution that will be good for both of you. Apologies After spending a lifetime counseling other couples, I am convinced that there are no healthy marriages without apology and forgiveness. Apologizing is a sign of maturity. And, forgiveness is a godly response to a sincere apology. However, what one person considers an apology is not what another person considers an apology. He says, "I'm Sorry," and she is thinking, "You certainly are. Is there anything else you would like to say?" He thinks he has apologized and she is waiting for him to apologize. I have discovered that there are five ways in which people apologize in this country. Learning the apology language of the other person can make it much easier for them to forgive you. What I Know One evening about six weeks after our wedding, Karolyn and I were engaged in a full-fledged argument. In the midst of the argument, she went to a closet, got her raincoat, slammed the front door and walked out into the pouring rain. My first thought was, "Why doesn't she stay and fight like a man?" My second thought was, "What have I done?" I wish I'd known how to listen, how to respect her ideas and feelings, how to treat her with love, instead of demanding that she agree with me. There is so much I've learned in our 40 plus years of marriage. Talk About Roles About six weeks after we got married, I said to Karolyn, "Honey, the toilet is getting dirty." To which she responded, "I know, I was wondering when you're going to clean it." "Me, I don't know how to clean toilets." "I can teach you," she said. Have you thought about who will do what after you are married? Who will buy the groceries? Cook the meals? Mop the floors? Vacuum the carpets? Wash the dishes? Mow the grass? And walk the dog? Deciding these matters before you get married will save you a lot of frustration after the wedding. Talk About Money Are you thinking about getting married? Do you have a plan for handling your money? Do you know how much debt your 'spouse to be' has accumulated? Do you know how much they have in savings. Once you get married, how much of your regular income do you plan to save? How much do you plan to give away? Who will balance the checkbook each month? These are the kind of questions that should be answered before you get married. Money is a huge area of conflict among married couples. Much of this could be avoided if we talk honestly about how we will handle money after we get married. Talk About Sex I wish I'd known, before we got married, that mutual sexual fulfillment is not automatic. I had the idea, "I'm fully male. She is fully female. We have a high level of sexual attraction for each other. What more could we need?" Answer? A lot more! You would think that with all the explicit sex talk we find on TV and radio that sex would not be a problem in marriage. In reality, sex becomes a battlefield for many couples. Information and communication are the keys to finding mutual sexual satisfaction in marriage. Sex was God's idea. You will not find the answer in Hollywood movies, or TV sitcoms. Talk About Faith When couples contemplate marriage, religion needs to be near the top of the list of matters that need to be discussed. Mankind is incurably religious. There are no cultures that have not developed a system of beliefs about the non-material world. These religious beliefs greatly influence the behavior of those who believe them. Therefore, if you are thinking about getting married, I urge you to discuss your beliefs about spiritual matters. The Scriptures ask, "Can two walk together if they do not agree?" The answer is; "not very well." In my book Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married, I try to help couples build a solid foundation upon which to build a successful marriage. If you or someone you know find the information in this newsletter helpful and want to dive deeper into the topics discussed, then I want to encourage you to pick up a copy of the book. It's never too early to work towards a marriage that lasts a lifetime!