Preparing For Marriage

For a number of years, I have wanted to write a book on preparation for marriage. I really believe that if we can help couples prepare for marriage, then they can be more successful. Let's face it most people spend far more time preparing for their vocation than preparing for their marriage. Perhaps that's why they are more successful in their vocations than in their marriages. Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married is my attempt to help couples get ready for marriage. I looked back on my own life and asked, "What do I know now that I wish I had known then?" I think if someone had told me these things, my marriage would have been much easier. I hope you'll learn from my mistakes. Euphoric Feelings Would it surprise you if I told you that "being in-love is not an adequate foundation for marriage?" It is highly possible to 'fall in love' with someone you should not marry. Many couples believe that if they are 'in love' then they will always be 'in love'. The reality is that the 'in love euphoria' last for an average of two years. That's why many couples stop dating after two years. They have lost the feelings so why keep dating. In fact, they may have much in common, and be very suited for each other, but because they believe that they must retain those 'in love' feelings they give up on the relationship. Parental Patterns Have you ever heard this saying, "Like Mother like daughter." and "Like Father like son?" There's some truth is both of those statements. We are greatly influenced by our moms and dads. If you are seriously dating someone, I encourage you to spend time with his or her parents. What you see in his dad is likely what you will see in him ten years from now. Does that mean we are destined to be like our parents? No, but it does mean that if we want to be different, now is the time to work on it. Let's identify the strengths and weaknesses of our parents before we get married and then ask: What do I want to change? And, what steps can I take to make sure I don't duplicate the things I dislike? Disagreements One of the things I wish I'd known is how to solve disagreements without arguing. Karolyn and I had no plan for handling conflicts. So, we spent a lot of time arguing. Arguments always lead down hill. Conflicts are not a sign you have married the wrong person. They simply affirm that you are human. The key to solving disagreements is to become an empathetic listener. Try to see the world through the other person's eyes. Respect their thoughts and feelings even if you don't agree. "I think I can understand what you are saying, and it makes a lot of sense." Now, you are not an enemy but a friend who understands. Now you can look for a solution that will be good for both of you. Apologies After spending a lifetime counseling other couples, I am convinced that there are no healthy marriages without apology and forgiveness. Apologizing is a sign of maturity. And, forgiveness is a godly response to a sincere apology. However, what one person considers an apology is not what another person considers an apology. He says, "I'm Sorry," and she is thinking, "You certainly are. Is there anything else you would like to say?" He thinks he has apologized and she is waiting for him to apologize. I have discovered that there are five ways in which people apologize in this country. Learning the apology language of the other person can make it much easier for them to forgive you. What I Know One evening about six weeks after our wedding, Karolyn and I were engaged in a full-fledged argument. In the midst of the argument, she went to a closet, got her raincoat, slammed the front door and walked out into the pouring rain. My first thought was, "Why doesn't she stay and fight like a man?" My second thought was, "What have I done?" I wish I'd known how to listen, how to respect her ideas and feelings, how to treat her with love, instead of demanding that she agree with me. There is so much I've learned in our 40 plus years of marriage. Talk About Roles About six weeks after we got married, I said to Karolyn, "Honey, the toilet is getting dirty." To which she responded, "I know, I was wondering when you're going to clean it." "Me, I don't know how to clean toilets." "I can teach you," she said. Have you thought about who will do what after you are married? Who will buy the groceries? Cook the meals? Mop the floors? Vacuum the carpets? Wash the dishes? Mow the grass? And walk the dog? Deciding these matters before you get married will save you a lot of frustration after the wedding. Talk About Money Are you thinking about getting married? Do you have a plan for handling your money? Do you know how much debt your 'spouse to be' has accumulated? Do you know how much they have in savings. Once you get married, how much of your regular income do you plan to save? How much do you plan to give away? Who will balance the checkbook each month? These are the kind of questions that should be answered before you get married. Money is a huge area of conflict among married couples. Much of this could be avoided if we talk honestly about how we will handle money after we get married. Talk About Sex I wish I'd known, before we got married, that mutual sexual fulfillment is not automatic. I had the idea, "I'm fully male. She is fully female. We have a high level of sexual attraction for each other. What more could we need?" Answer? A lot more! You would think that with all the explicit sex talk we find on TV and radio that sex would not be a problem in marriage. In reality, sex becomes a battlefield for many couples. Information and communication are the keys to finding mutual sexual satisfaction in marriage. Sex was God's idea. You will not find the answer in Hollywood movies, or TV sitcoms. Talk About Faith When couples contemplate marriage, religion needs to be near the top of the list of matters that need to be discussed. Mankind is incurably religious. There are no cultures that have not developed a system of beliefs about the non-material world. These religious beliefs greatly influence the behavior of those who believe them. Therefore, if you are thinking about getting married, I urge you to discuss your beliefs about spiritual matters. The Scriptures ask, "Can two walk together if they do not agree?" The answer is; "not very well." In my book Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married, I try to help couples build a solid foundation upon which to build a successful marriage. If you or someone you know find the information in this newsletter helpful and want to dive deeper into the topics discussed, then I want to encourage you to pick up a copy of the book. It's never too early to work towards a marriage that lasts a lifetime!